earlier this year i was convinced that 2010 was going to be the year of the suck. well, i'm eagerly working towards turning that around and making 2010 the year of growth. it's hard to face everything that i'm facing right now but i'm really confident that i can make the progress that i want to make. so many things are hitting home these days. i'm starting to realize that i have been keeping myself from so much because i don't have the courage to realize that i am good enough to get the things that i want. things like a nice apartment that i feel good about coming home to. also, i've realized that i need to stop thinking that i am going to fail at whatever i do because when i put my mind to something, i'm actually really good at making things happen for myself. so that's what i am focusing on right now. making it work and letting myself grow.

i have a handful of really amazing people in my life that are really pushing for me and that feels fucking great. thank you.

Time flies when you're flying....

Today marks my four year anniversary of becoming a flight attendant. It's been a wild and crazy ride thus far. I've had a blast. I think that honestly one of the best and worst parts about my job is never really knowing what kind of crew you're gonna get. The trip that I am flying right now pays a lot and I didn't want to get rid of that pay at all, but I was originally flying with this guy that I cannot stand. Really, top five worst flight attendants I've flown with in four years. Anyway, he gave his trip away and the girl that picked it up is this awesome girl, Danielle, that I am totally bonding with. We are both on a spiritual journey to discover what it is we are supposed to be doing here. We have had some great conversations. Anyway, she pointed me in the direction of The Artist's Way, which I purchased this morning. I'm really looking forward to see if this can help me find some inspiration.

So, moving day is just around the corner and I am very excited and nervous. I can't wait to see what kinds of things I can do with this place. It should be a big step up for me and I'm stoked about it. I can't wait to start having dinner parties.

I kind of fell off the wagon this weekend while I was in Austin. I'm not that disappointed in myself because I hadn't really set a specific amount of time that I wanted to go without drinking but I can tell a difference in my level of focus and motivation and I also spent entirely too much money. I'm gonna try and take it easy for most of May as well, probably not drinking very much at all. I think it will be a good jump start for myself for the summer.

Okay, I'm not really feeling all that well but I really need to get myself to the gym.

ahem

Okay journal, I mean it when I say it this time, I am hereby no longer ignoring you. I have too many things that need to be said.

Today is day four of sobriety for me. It is scary for me to admit this, but this is the longest I've gone without a drink in over five years. This is also the longest that I've gone without being DRUNK in almost three years. Ever since I became a flight attendant, my life has been one great party. For a long time, I thought that there was nothing wrong with this. But I have reached a point in my life that makes me realize that there are things that are missing. Things that have had their places in my life overtaken by my search for the next party. Now, don't get me wrong, the party is not ending here. I am just taking a break, taking a breather, and getting some good sleep for the first time in a long time. Clearing my brain and my heart out of the cloudiness and letting my liver recover from the run it's had for the last few years.

I feel like my life is this crazy, beautiful mess right now. So many pieces coming together at a really insane speed. I don't know whether to be terrified or to just close my eyes and take a deep breath and hope that things don't change too much. I mean, I really want some things to change, but I'm afraid of losing people in the mix. Although, at this point I kind of feel like if I lose some things, great. I have everything in the world to gain.

Interpretation

• an explanation or way of explaining

Oh some evil this way comes
They told me how they fear it
Now they're placing it on their tongues
Oh to see it with my own eyes
No food or water for the better part of ten months
Quietly he sat between the folds of a free trunk
Oh to see it with my own eyes
All the men of faith and men of science had their questions
Could it ever be on earth as it is in heaven?

I'm at a loss for words. Rare.